Tips to get grandparents on board with gender equal gifts
Abigail Youngman suggests how to get grandparents on board with your un-gendered christmas wishlist - without causing offence.
So, you’ve got your gender-neutral Christmas all planned out, and your children get it too, mostly, apart from the odd advert infiltrating their tiny minds… Even the Daily Mail has little boys testing dolls for their Christmas gift guide. But what about grandparents? Do they think that sewing kits and train sets are suitable for either sex? And if not, what can you do about it?
Are grandparents always sexist?
Well, firstly maybe we shouldn’t automatically expect grandparents to be unenlightened. I say this as someone whose first gift from her own grandparents was a bright red wooden car. Plus, even though I’d definitely call myself a feminist, I am guilty of giving at least one heinously gender-specific gift; almost the first thing I ever bought my beloved niece was a frilly dress. (All I can say in my defence is that I had had 10 years of buying clothes for boys, and while I always did my best to seek out clothes that are as gender-neutral as possible for my sons, I just really, really wanted to buy a little dress. At least it wasn’t pink.)
In any case, whoever they are, how can you enlighten those with outmoded ideas about what kids should want?
There are, of course, any number of ways to do this so that grandparents will never darken your doors again: burning sexist gifts in front of the person who bought them; forcibly removing inappropriate presents from the hands of your weeping children; training your kids to explain that, as feminists, they can’t accept anything that perpetuates gender stereotypes. None of these go down well and will lead to more than a frosty silence at the Christmas dinner table.
So how to do it without causing offence?
How to ask for gender neutral gifts
Start early and be specific about what your children like (once they’re able to express a preference). The plethora of toys on offer is bewildering and many grandparents are grateful for guidance. A mass mail to family members (so grandparents don’t feel like they’re being singled out) with a wish list of toys at different price-points can be very helpful, or perhaps simply a link to the Sonshine gift guide! Alternatively, you can ask for contributions for a specified, larger present for your child. If your children are able to write (or even record) their own Christmas lists, then so much the better. But get them to do it early, especially if grandparents are keen gift-buyers.
Sometimes re-education is necessary, although this should probably not involve electrodes, no matter how frustrated you feel. Leading by example can help. When a friend of mine’s mother asked her why she had bought her daughter a boy’s bike, my friend replied that she had in fact bought her a young person’s bike. The same grandmother happily bought her granddaughter a ‘boy’s’ watch, because it was what she really wanted and she loves it. Telling grandparents how much their (appropriate) gifts are appreciated is also very important, but don't over do it (obvs).
Explain your parenting style to your parents
A lot of grandparents have much less complicated relationships with their grandchildren than they have with their children. Put simply, they want the best for them and hate to upset them. So, talking about how your child views sexism can help. All children have an innate sense of what is fair and most feel pretty indignant about (and in some cases bewildered by) the idea of pink being reserved for girls, or chemistry sets for boys. Obviously for very young children this won’t apply, and one has to hope that the odd frilly dress will not scar a child for life; even the most well-meaning of aunties (or uncles) can slip up now and then.
Point out that the more the gift is specifically tailored to the child, the more they will like it. In these increasingly eco-conscious times, a lot of children, especially older ones, don’t want more plastic tat. What they might prefer is quality time with their grandparents; a special outing, learning a skill or having their own corner of a garden, much of which is more likely to be gender-neutral. If grandparents live far away, then a promise to read a bedtime story over the phone on a regular basis can be a great way to help them feel connected.
But what if your parents or in-laws just don’t care about your principles? Sometimes what’s wrapped up under the tree on Christmas morning is beyond your control and your only course of action is to smile sweetly and hope they give you the receipt. If not, once the thank-you note’s been written, there’s always eBay, so you can turn it into some other parent’s nightmare...
Abigail Youngman is a radio drama writer, script editor and mother of two.