How to talk to your kids about social media
We get tips for parents about social media from when to let your child have an account to what to do if your child has a bad experience online.
Social media and online video is having a huge impact on all our lives — not just young people’s. Kirstie Beaven speaks to Sarah Berman, online safety advisory teacher, about the changing tech landscape for our children and gets some advice about managing social media.
How old do you have to be to use social media ?
Let’s start with some basics! What are the official age guidelines for using the big social media platforms?
The official age limit for social sites is mainly 13+, though some (including WhatsApp) say you have
to be 16+. But they are, invariably, not in the slightest bit robust — there is absolutely no age verification process, making the age restrictions meaningless. It’s not a question of whether children are on them, but that any child can be on these sites.
Obviously children under the age of 13 are pestering to be on social media platforms, or saying all their friends are doing it!
There has always been peer pressure; about pocket money, what you’re wearing, what time you’re allowed out at night. Families have always needed to negotiate how to maintain their own standards.
If you think there is a real possibility of your child setting up a social media profile themselves before that age, you need to think about what the outcome might be. There really is nothing to stop a child setting accounts up independently, but then be at far greater risk from not having privacy settings or the understanding
of functionality and potential impacts. You may decide it is safer and a more sensible option to create an account together, applying privacy settings, discussing how the platform works and what potential risks your child needs to be aware of. There are sadly — but in this case usefully — so many examples of really poor behaviour that we can share with them and use to begin conversations.
What do parents need to be aware of when their children are on social media?
I think a lot of us might worry that we don’t know how to approach our children’s interest in social media — or what to say...
I still hear many parents reflecting on how they didn’t grow up with internet access and smart phones. Whilst this is true, the majority of parents use social sites in some form, and we fully understand how they work and how others behave. We know the pitfalls, so we have a responsibility to help them navigate it. Many young people feel judged by adults saying things like ‘Oh, they’re all worried about the number of likes,’ or ‘They’re always searching for validation’. If we’re totally honest though, we can probably see elements of this in our own feeds and interactions online. We also need to appreciate that their concerns are entirely valid and the pressures are real.
It’s true, we as adults are often having conversations about how social media makes us feel — the likes, the follows and so on...
So that means we can talk about it together. We need to discuss how people interact online; what they choose to post and share, who can see it, and whether what they show is truly representative or is an example of ‘showing your best life’. I would encourage parents and carers to use examples from their own accounts and talk generally about the types of comments people might make on social posts; talking directly about the child’s activities will probably elicit a more defensive response. When parents and carers are honest about how certain posts make them feel, it helps the child see that their reaction is entirely human and appropriate, and lets them know you ‘get it’.
It helps to develop self awareness about how being online can impact your feelings. You don’t have to share anything too personal or sensitive, you could talk about how others’ holiday photos impact you, when you can not afford to go away or how those who post their workout routines daily make you feel like you are not doing enough exercise, for example.
Today’s teenagers’ behaviours and motivations are not so different from ours as teens; we wanted to talk to our friends, needed peer approval, cared about how we looked and wanted constant communication. We can probably think of mistakes we made and examples of when our behaviour was poor. The consequences for today’s young people reach much further and wider than they did for us and this supports my point that we need to prepare them as much as possible, keep conversations on-going and honest, but most of all let them know they can turn to us for support rather than judgement.
Cyberbullying advice for parents
That leads me to ask a little bit about the idea of cyberbullying. Is that more of a problem than in person bullying, or is it that online conversations can amplify that behaviour?
I think there are different aspects to bullying online and offline — though both are horrible experiences to go through. In face-to-face bullying you could get physically hurt, but there was never any uncertainty about who was involved. You knew who the bullies were, and however awful it was during the day, at least when you got home you were safe till the next morning. This does not at all diminish the impact of it, but you knew what or who you were dealing with.
Cyber bullying has opened up the potential to not really know who’s involved and not to know who the bystanders are — who’s watching what. There’s the element of facelessness about it and the 24/7 nature of it.
I’ve read about teenagers who were very seriously cyber- bullied and at some stage all of them were told by an adult ‘just don’t look at it’. They all said how unhelpful this advice was. They thought, ‘how could I go to school knowing that everyone else in my year knows what’s been said about me and I am the only person who doesn’t?’ We need to recognise that these particular elements can be really difficult to deal with and can prey on people’s minds. That’s why it’s important that we support them by listening and understanding their reactions.
What about the bystanders you mention, or worse, if your child is taking part in bullying behaviour online. I worry that I’d feel less confident about dealing with online behaviour than face to face situations.
Of course no one wants to think that their child is involved in this sort of behaviour. I think it needs to be preempted — by talking to children about online behaviour. It goes back to talking through examples — looking at comments on videos or posts. Ask how we know if it is a joke — are there other ways it could be taken? Online we lose information from body language or tone of voice that can help us see how our words or behaviour land with another person. We need to explore this with children through conversations and perhaps role play.
Some stats
81% teens say social media makes them feel more connected to what’s going on in their friends’ lives (Pew Research Center)
53% of teens think that being online is good for their mental health (Ofcom)
33% of 5-7 year olds have their own social media profile (Ofcom)
43% of teens say they feel pressure to only post content on social media that makes them look good to others (Pew Research Center)
32% of UK 8-11 year olds have seen ‘something worrying or nasty’ online (Ofcom)
89% of children said they had felt pressure to be popular on social platforms
75% of girls aged 12-17 send supportive messages online (including Whatsapp) to their friends if they are having a hard time. 47% of boys do the same.
Often when I remember what it was like to be a teenager, it almost adds extra anxiety. The thought of living my teen years online is a bit scary!
Yes, I can agree with that! But if our response to them talking about social media is just to say ‘Oh my goodness! Don’t go writing that online’ or ’You lot are all addicted to your phone’ this shuts down communication. Remember that many teenagers today are very emotionally literate — often more used to talking about feelings than people of older generations. It’s often us that are shying away from difficult conversations!
We’re often not validating the feelings the young person is having. If we miss that bit out, the young person is likely to think ‘you don’t understand me’, ‘you don’t get it, why should I talk to you about this?’. When we don’t validate and understand their experiences and feelings it can result in making them less likely to turn to us for help.
If the approach was more; ‘I really understand what it’s like to: fall out with your friend’, or I remember
how it felt when I wasn’t invited to go along’, we are showingthat we have some understanding. We can say,
‘I understand you, I remember that feeling, but let’s think about what is the best way to deal with it?’ ‘I can also imagine that next week or in six months’ time, things might feel different.’ Then we can have a discussion about whether it is a good idea to post their thoughts online.
How to engage with your children about online behaviour
It’s not just what they post, is it, but also what they might see on social sites. We’ve seen a lot of stories
in the press about the sort of shocking content young people can be shown by these algorithms. I’ve also had qualms about the rise of filters, influencer culture and even targeted ads about weight loss or bulking up.
When your children are young you have more control over what they are accessing — you can set privacy settings, and parental controls and you can make sure you have a firewall on the wifi (you can search these if you are uncertain how to do any of this). Once they’re older, they are more likely to have a phone of their own and it becomes more difficult to monitor. It’s about creating a culture where they come and talk to you, and they know that you will listen and help, rather than removing the device. Remember that often, children are not looking for, nor expecting to see, what they come across — they can stumble upon quite shocking material from searches, driven by curiosity, or be sent unwelcome content from peers.
Around mental health and body image, if you notice or have concerns about the wellbeing of a child in real life, it is even more important to engage with them about their online life. One way might be to help them navigate to some of the amazing array of healthy, supportive and helpful sites. Additionally we need to maintain conversation about how they are feeling and coping.
In terms of influencers we can be really proactive in helping children find positive accounts to follow.
There are so many inspiring accounts out there and we can all be thoughtful about who we follow. I would
love to empower more young people to control and affect the algorithms that they are fed — if we alter who we follow and content we search, we can change our feed. There are messages that we may consider unhelpful that come at us from many areas of media — not just online — so again, it is about opening up critical dialogue with your youngsters, in a curious, honest and non-judgemental way.
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Sarah Berman is an online safety advisory teacher, CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection) ambassador, and trainer consultant for two mental health charities.
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