Growing Compassion at Christmas

Writer Katherine Maxwell-Rose explores boys’ toys, empathy and getting the good will back into Christmas.

As Christmas approaches and the season of mass consumerism compassion and good will to all falls upon us, I’ve been thinking about what Christmas brings to my small son. 

When I look around our lounge at the toys strewn out across the floor, I’m starting to see the theme. Trucks, building blocks, puzzles, diggers, a much-loved wooden train track. Without particularly noticing it, our house has become full of traditional ‘boys’ toys’. 

Many have been handed down to us or given as gifts (because quite frankly we’re pretty stingy), but there is a common thread. These toys are about how things move and work, which bit goes up and down, how it rolls along the floor, how it fits together. All of which fuel my son’s current love of shapes and mechanics. To me, they seem to be toys geared towards developing logic and reason – attributes which have conventionally been associated with men. No one has passed on a doll or a pram, or suggested one as a gift unsolicited…

Could there be a connection between the way we bring up boys to the kinds of careers they pursue? I’ve worked in charities for over a decade and in the majority far more women are employed than men. This is particularly true of entry-level roles with many men entering later in their careers at management level after leaving corporate jobs. Are we shaping boys at a very young age, even with the toys we give them to play with, in a very certain direction so they predictably fall into more logical, practical-type roles while girls are nurtured for more caring, empathetic professions? 

But of course, it’s not just about the toys he plays with, it’s about how he plays with them, how he interacts with others and the kind of spirit I would like to nurture in him. Warmth, kindness, gentleness and generosity might not be the kind of attributes society seeks to develop in boys but it doesn’t have to be that way. I want my son to grow up to be kind and thoughtful, caring and empathetic. To understand how things work, yes, but also to listen to how other people feel and experience the world. 

Perhaps given he is a boy and that sadly there are still a certain set of expectations on him, I need to work harder and more proactively to draw out his empathy. Christmas with all its excess and plastic carnage strikes me as a perfect time to buck the trend and try something different. It can’t all be about the huge mound of presents (hopefully not all cars and trains) my son will inevitably wake up to on December 25th.  

I would love it if thinking about others and fostering gratitude became core components of our Advent prep and fun. In the manic run-up to Christmas this needs to be a proactive decision; a choice to act outside of the box rather than just let another year roll by consumed by tinsel and tat.  

Here are a few things I’ve thought of to create a good-will Christmas for both boys and girls – some of which I’ve tried before and some which I’ll give a go this year:

1. Spread the present opening - hold some back and open over several days or even weeks.

2. Ask for toys which will help develop his creativity and empathy. We’re desperate for a doll and a pram!

3. Make cards together and talk about the different friends he wants to give them to.

4. Choose a charity to donate to - given he is very little I may show him pictures of different charities and see which photos he likes best

5. Specifically ask people for second-hand and pre-loved gifts.

6. Write thank-you letters (eeek!)

7. Join in with the excellent reverse advent calendar challenge - either donating to a local charity or with Unicef UK’s Paddington’s Parcels to send much-needed gifts to children in danger.

It’s not going to be perfect (is Christmas ever?) but it could be a good start, and I hope my son will learn a different way how to be in the world – and I think I will too. 

Katherine Maxwell-Rose is a writer, activist and speaker, passionate about social justice, crossing divides and creativity.

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